And by "around here," I mean here, there AND everywhere when it comes to the world of sports and its periphery.

From the curious to the unexplainable to outright stupidity of it all, I present to you some of the things that have me scratching my head:

1. He had the panties in his lap?

2. This whole thing -- if you are a Hawks fan, make sure you're
sitting down. And not eating or drinking.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arn-tellem/a-robust-cup-of-joe_b_635159.html?view=print

Highlights of this nonsense:

"With two defenders all over him, Joe Johnson, all 6'8" and 225 pounds of him, leaped, spun and chucked in a line drive. Three seconds later he stole the ball and was double-teamed in the low post with no escape route humanly possible. So Joe did something inhuman -- making a 180-degree turn and lofting a perfect lob pass to a teammate beneath the rim."

EDITORIAL -- "chucked in a line drive?" -- does Arn Tellem know that the word "chucked" means he threw up a crap shot - a "line drive" to boot? So he hit a ridiculously lucky shot. THEN he did something "inhuman"? -- what -- got an assist? -- Holy Shit Arn. If the best two plays of his career happened 10 YEARS AGO, you might not want to be pointing it out if he's about to sign a $120 million deal. Can't think of anything close to that in the past four or five years? Me neither.

 

And therein lies the problem.

Oh yeah -- this was a WORKOUT -- they weren't even keeping score.

Look closely at this gem:

"On his way out of the gym, Michael Jordan -- on hand to scout him for the Washington Wizards -- told me, "Mark my word: Joe could turn out to be the best player in the 2001 Draft."

There are only a dozen things wrong with this, starting with the source. Michael was so impressed that he took ... Kwame Brown No. 1 that year. Anyone seen Adam Morrison lately? You remember him? The guy Michael took with his first pick in Charlotte? To quote Michael Jordan about talent evaluation would be like quoting me about fine French dining.

Secondly -- "With the possible exception of Pau Gasol, whom the Atlanta Hawks took with the No. 3 pick before trading his rights to the Memphis Grizzlies, Joe has fulfilled Jordan's prophecy."

"Possible exception?" You mean the guy who has two rings in Los Angeles? And did you forget about Tony Parker, who went 28th that year? You've heard of him right, Arn? 3 time champ? MVP of the finals in 2007? Ringing a bell? And you're lucky Gilbert Arenas (No. 31 in 2001) is crackers.

Look at this draft - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2001_NBA_Draft

For the love of God, the NBA is lucky a fan revolt didn't shut it down after this mess -- being 4th best out of this bunch ain't much, Arn. I'm the 11th best player of this group!

"Over his five years in Atlanta, Joe has established himself as one of the most formidable forces in pro ball. As a dynamic Mr. Inside/Mr. Outside duo, he and his young teammate Al Horford rank statistically just behind Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol."

My God man. They gave you the money. You won. Don't write/say/think something like this out loud! You're comparing your guy and a kid who you shouldn't do this to in Horford to three times running NBA Finals participants who just happen to have this little thing we call BACK-TO-BACK going for them? You're guy who hasn't won a second-round game in TWO YEARS and looked worse than imaginable in the process?

How 'bout this gem:

"Chicago offered him a chance to play with the brilliant point
guard, Derrick Rose, and a tough young center, Joakim Noah. A further incentive: the roster included Joe's great friend Jannero Pargo, one of his college teammates."

If I'm Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah, I'm lawyering up. I'm suing
Arn Tellem for defamation. Or slander. Or Libel. Or something. You can't let guys get away with dropping the "great friend Jannero Pargo" thing go unpunished. First of all, riddle me this:

"What do Jannero Pargo and Joe Johnson have in common?"

"Neither will be playing for the Bulls in 2010."

AND ... unless Pargo had $27 million spare falling out of his
pocket into Joe's, I don't care if they were MARRIED in college.

Or this one:

"New York has Mike D'Antoni, the coach who nurtured Joe in
Phoenix. Joe loved playing for D'Antoni and was excited by the
possibility of joining him in New York. It seemed like a perfect match: a tenacious player who never naps on court in the city that never sleeps."

The guy who nurtured him? So much so that he wanted to go to
the Hawks just to get away from him? You meant THAT kind of nurturing?

I've heard Joe Johnson called a lot of things. "Tenacious" has
never been one of them. You thinking what I'm thinking? That Arn doesn't know what that word means ...

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tenacious

Now I will admit that after reading that, I didn't know what
"Tenacious" meant -- but I DO know that none of that described the $120 million man.

Here's the smartest most truthful and to the point thing Tellem
wrote:

"When the Hawks offered the maximum -- six years -- he
happily reciprocated."

But he couldn't leave well enough alone.

"For his next act, Joe plans to actively recruit other top free
agents to Atlanta, a place not unlike his hometown, where he feels
comfortable and appreciated."

"For his next act?" I'd be more impressed if he sawed Zaza in
half. Or pulled Marvin out of a hat. Or got Mike Bibby to play defense. I didn't realize that for part of his salary, Joe would be the halftime entertainment some nights.

 

THE GREAT JOHNSONEENIE!

And as if this all needed a cherry on top of the proverbial
nonsense sundae, here goes ...

"LeBron, you've already met with the front offices of six teams. How about considering the Hawks?"

3. Joey Votto is the best first baseman in the National League. This year. Or at least for the last 3 months. I have no idea how this happened, but it has. His reality? He had NO shot of making the All-Star team the old-fashioned (fan vote) way. No problem. The manager will pick him. Except if the manager has to pick his own guy (Ryan Howard). He had to, and did. Now it's up to the fans (the ones who didn't care initially) to vote him onto the island with the "online one more way to make this game a joke" contest.

Albert Pujols of course won the vote -- totally acceptable/warranted/understood. What Albert should do is tell all of us that he has decided to not only put Votto on the team (he's been good enough in his career to do just that -- "best player in the game gets to pick a guy" rule I'VE just implemented -- which if you're wondering, IS better than the World Series home field advantage thing) THEN ... and this is when you'll pay attention ... tell us he has decided Votto will START the game because he deserves it and that honor means something to Albert and it should to you too.


4. Tiger Woods can't play golf anymore.

5. He wanted the State Trooper to "drive him to a hotel?"

6. Is there no room for doing the right thing anymore? Billy Wagner announced his retirement, got his 400th save, is possibly the best closer in the NL and there's no room for him on the All-Star team?

7. The Knicks spent $100 Million on Amar'e? Oh wait, this one is supposed to be on my OTHER column. You know -- the one that is entitled "Par for the course -- decisions that don't
surprise me at all."